Conversations

This love affair is a flat mirror. My spiritual process calls for you, God and just when I get goosebumps from prayer, you’re emotionally unavailable. Which you say is MY flaw, because you’re manifest and non-manifest and you can just go waltzing around – through nearness far, through farness near. You’ve drummed all that into my head – and when you’re gone from my life, it’s like you’re not gone. And it’s because I’m not appreciating the long-distance relationship thing. Of course, you’re always right, but often you’re receptive to my concerns.

Still, I want to know where you were when I was openly angry. And when I was openly sad. And I know, darling, that I look forward to meeting you when I die, and that’s when this relationship is lifted up, but what if for an instant I feel those in the Nation of Islam and go, totally pie in the sky theology there? What if I’m not ready, or if others are not ready? Harmonious God, it’s glib to just reassure me that everything will be o.k. so long as I get to Heaven.

But now I have that lump in my throat and my breast that tells me, yes, I believe in an afterlife, yes, please reassure me, please – you were a Hidden Treasure and I know you, I love you. After I raise my voice in a why?, oh Lord I have to offer a bit of praise. Because you abandoned me, yes, you did, but you came back. And in that moment of abandon, I felt a stronger need. And I can still use my rights to stand up to you and say – no, you haven’t always been there – but then you counter and said if I had just been paying attention on Tuesday or when I was off trying to do the spiritual, but not-religious thing, I would have noticed something, so I have to tune myself to notice you. And it’s o.k. for people to be comfortable and at peace when they die, you say. So that’s why we talk about it. Now I want religion, you say, and you don’t want the pain, tcchhhhhh. But where were you when Jesus said you abandoned him? I asked. And Job, yeah? It was hard with Job, you say. I love him, you said. And shouldn’t you be picking on people, not me? But don’t you get it, I told you, I’m giving you anger and love – that makes this relationship complete, man. You don’t even know me, you said, go be less of a Raskolnikov and get out of the house. I know your heart leaps, you say.

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