…I’m gonna, lighten up! I just talked to a spiritual advisor, pouring out pains and joys. He said to enjoy the journey. It seems like common sense. (but with all of my posts on suffering recently, mmmm-hmmmm). Don’t dwell so much on the suffering, even though you like it so much, he said. I think that’s important to remember, even if I have great attachment to the suffering. I have been thinking about resurrection and death recently and all of the little resurrections and deaths we go through. In that way, death is conquered. A mentor of mine died a few days ago and it does not work to believe that she is with her maker, but there is this little —
space. I remember us eating dinner and I told her that I was interested in the in-between space, the boundary line. She said that Jesus, before he ascended to Heaven, feet just a bit off the ground — and Muhammad, before he began the Mi’raj — that was in-between space. I built on this in a previous post but her death has me thinking about it again. I call this the ascent/descent. It comes from a quote by Soviet writer Andrei Sinyavsky:
It is not the saints who thirst for God
but those who have no God and have left Him.
He has no faith, but suffers from lack of faith.
His is the eternal motion upward and downward,
backward and forward, between Heaven and Hell.
I see the sinner/saint as someone who might not actually BE a sinner/saint. I see someone who doesn’t feel like they’re right with God, or right with religion, but is crying out to God. I see myself. Dostoevsky was like that, bless his heart — wanting to find a faith that fit all of his self. His Orthodoxy is boundless. His God is boundless. God bless the boundary crossers.
I started this post about lightening up when we’re dealing with deep spiritual issues — “dark nights of the soul.” This could not really even be “dark nights of the soul,” — but ecstatic Eucharist communion with God, and just general spiritual wayfaring. (on another note, can’t you see a networking site devoted to linking up spiritual wayfarers, the term seems to suit the internet, even though it might be a barrier in turn). So how do you relax? What techniques help you on your journey?
 Abram Tertz (or Andrei Donatovich Sinyavsky), The Trial Begins and On Socialist Realism, (Berkley, California: 1960) 182.