This life of Christian discipleship is certainly a strange journey. I never really know what God is up to. I rarely have complete confidence in myself as an instrument of God. In fact, a lot of the time I feel completely confused, clueless, and lost.
But I keep going, I keep walking with God, with Jesus, because I believe in him, and we have a pretty good relationship. And like all people that I love, I trust God.
A relationship with God is a lot like a relationship with any other creature or person. The difference with God, though, is that s/he’s Almighty, Powerful, Perfect, Supremely loving, so there is even more room and reason to trust that God will be good and take care of us perfectly. But, like in any relationship, trust is REALLY hard because it is about letting go of control and allowing the other person/being to have their own power too. I have found, however, that once I let go and totally trust God, I experience the greatest freedom and joy ever. (Of course my trust may only last a little while, as I am so imperfect and have to let go and let God’s goodness take care of me over and over and over.)
For a few years my salvation and all the blessings I have in my life felt like a burden because I wanted to badly to respond well and live the best life I could. It felt like an impossible responsibility and like I was setting myself up for failure over and over every day.
And then something clicked in me. I realized that the Christian life is not about responsibility, really. It’s about following. And when we follow, we have to trust. We have to let go and allow God’s graces to shower us with clarity and peace and all that we need. When I reframe my thinking to know that’s it is never up to me, really, and I don’t have any responsibilities, I get to know the freedom that comes from the Truth. God is in charge, all the time. I never have to be, I never am.
I am simply an instrument of God. And God creates all good things. I have such freedom to trust God that I’ll be okay and things are going and will go as they need to. And, when you think about instruments, they have to be empty and able to have the breath and wind of God move through them in order to make the most beautiful music. So, the great challenge is to let go of all that is within me— worries, fears, doubts, possessions, pride, sin, and so on, to empty myself of the things that clog my heart and mind and my relationship with God. Then I can trust, because God will use me beautifully, and it’s not up to me. I’m empty, I’m God’s. God is good, so I trust and live and Love. Thanks be to God!