This is a post by Angelique Goldor, a brand new writer for the YAC Blog! Angelique is a proud mother to a 6.5 month baby girl and a recently confirmed Catholic from Bellingham, WA. Angelique is a musician, outdoor-enthusiast and has an interest in the works of the Saints and writing poetic meditations inspired by those writings.
There are so many aspects of the sacraments that I find wholly sanctifying and life affirming. Each one branded with its own timbre or mood, which without a doubt, shed light on those traveling in the dark. To me, the Catholic Church speaks this evident truth to all who share in her blessings via liturgy, meditation, music, social justice and so on. Now, with all that gushy stuff in mind, I want to veer down the aforementioned notion of darkness. This kind of darkness is something I am still attempting to claw my way out of. For awhile the writings of Thomas Merton and C.S. Lewis gave me a temporary solace, in that Merton’s works conjoin and embrace the Eastern traditions of Buddhism and Taoism with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ; while Lewis writes effective apologetic commentary that often leave us a tad perplexed, but in a truly-good way (take for instance the Screwtape Letters or his rhetoric on Psalms). Yet, despite said solace, there’s a hole gaping within me, gnawing in desperation for a doctor to come by and sew it shut. That doctor can be found as the primary subject of the Gospels. But what made this hole so big to begin with?
The answer is complex, muddied and hard to share. However, I will say it is marked by gender identity questions (some of which I am still in the process of learning more about) and a passionate love for my LGBTQIA community. Furthermore that love, or fire, has gotten me into some interesting situations. For one, I can recall sitting in a Confirmation class, being utterly moved by this older mother’s testimony to the power of matrimony, but something was off. Why wasn’t she speaking about the sanctity of gay and lesbian couples or transgender folks? Where was the inclusivity? So, me being all edgy and curious and provocative, I of course, had to ask what her opinions were on such matters. AND, as I should have expected, her opinions were not pleasant. She attempted to explain, assert out of concern, that I have “eaten the fruit of Eden” for accepting LGBT people and that Satan works in “mysterious ways.” (Talk about fear mongering!) Needless to say, this rhetoric left me feeling more lost and pissed off than accepted. But, I still wound up receiving the sacrament of Confirmation. Unfortunately my journey to become closer has faded drastically. It’s become an envelopment of depression piled on more depression, wrapped in a hot juicy bowl of HELP!
Still, naming the cause, naming the evil, naming the darkness, happens to be the first step necessary in overcoming adversity of any kind. Even now, the song, “Christ be our Light, Shine in our hearts, Shine through the darkness, Christ be our light, for all who gather to you, gather today,” rings through as I write these words, because I know some day, that darkness will be gone. Amen.